20 July 2014 // 6:31 PM
♣ bitter
Most of you are sheltered and you guys don't even realize how fortunate you are, especially you; mom, ever since you were younger what exactly do you have to worry about? There's always someone to protect you, your parents, your brothers, your aunts and uncles to provide for you. You don't have to step out into the real world like how I did when I was 16. Ever since I finished my o'levels I felt nothing but insecurities. You basically just threw me out there, and expect me to live with whatever I had. You kept telling me that whatever you give me was enough, not thinking that this is the 2000s and no longer the 1950s.
2014 is undeniably the toughest year (financial wise). I had to juggle school, work and also my expenses with a meager 10 bucks a day which sometimes you don't even give me, yet you expect me to constantly have money for myself, and even better, to give you some of it, as though I am not already struggling financially. Please don't say that I am a spendthrift or I am wasting YOUR money. MOST of the things that I own are due to my hard work and also budgeting. Also, not to mention my very generous uncle (who's like a father figure to me).
I am constantly broke because things are expensive, and I cannot survive on your 10 bucks a day, and the fact that having a job helps me to pay for the things which YOU should have been providing for me, YOU have no rights to preach to me about savings.Furthermore, I had to resort to signing up for a credit card, so that I can snowball my debts. Otherwise, I would have been extra broke (and depressed). Therefore, when I am broke, you of all people have no rights to comment about my financial situation because YOU do nothing but rely on others your whole life. And I didn't ask you for anything extra, I am just asking you for what you should have given me, and the fact that you complain about that, makes me respect you even lesser, because both of you as my parents, are bloody irresponsible, you took my education and everything else lightly. If it weren't for mendaki, I wouldn't even be taking my diploma right now, and the fact that you told me to work and get a loan on my own to further my studies just makes my resentment for you guys grow. The fact that you're not even doing anything to help my situation and yet you can still go around criticizing me, makes me so mad, that I want to slap some sense into you.
Also the fact that you expect me to get a job after my diploma utterly disgusts me because you guys don't even care that your daughter will be competing with all these degree holders in the future, and how do you expect me to survive on that? And progress faster in the future. The fact that you expect me to get a husband that's rich enough to support me? Hello?Won't I want to support myself? Isn't it utterly disgusting to ask a man to be my benefactor. Giving me allowances as though I am still a child. What mom? You think I am like you, being sheltered my whole fucking existence. And you preaching to me about you feeling insecure now ( is fucking invalid) that's because you never did anything for yourself, and that makes me so mad. The fact that I am planning ahead and you told me to shut up, and just finish school is another typical malay aunty mindset, you guys are fucking short sighted, how can one not think of the future? How can one just survive on not having plans. YOU DO NOT JUST GO WITH THE FUCKING FLOW UNLESS YOU ARE FILTHY RICH,and in my case I am not. Please do not tell me that all this are just worldly matters and that the afterlife is important too, because right now how the fuck are expecting me to survive IN THIS WORLD, it's not like I can choose to be dead before god decides to take way my life (as taking away my own life would be a sin as well, and I shall burn in hell for doing so).
You are blind to my pain, mother. You told me that I am selfish, but you are selfish. I have not taken anything more than what is required, and yet I am still a burden/problem to you. You told me not to be a pessimist , yet you are the one planting all the negativity in my head. You told me to be happy with what I have, when you are clearly not happy with what you have. Mother, don't you think that you are being very contradicting? You told me that I hurt your feelings, but don't you know that you're hurting mine?
Don't tell me that I can always rely on you because I can't. And I have no one else to rely on in this family (technically, I only have 3 people that I considered as my close ones and that's you, baba and ami lek), as everyone else have their own problems to deal with.
Please, sit back down and reflect on what you have done, because there is only so much that I can say to you.
