04 April 2012 // 9:34 PM
♣ Picking up the pieces
Tomorrow would be the last day of attachment, if I had gone for attachment for the last four days that is. But I didn't. I have officially gave up on my course. I'm meeting my clinical facilitator tomorrow, to discuss about my withdrawal with my mum. I can't believe I'm really doing this. I really fucking cannot believe it.
She said on the phone that she wanted to talk to me about the other options for me, but mainly to ask if I am really sure about my decision. I told her there's nothing to talk about, and that my mind is pretty much made up already, but she told me to come down anyway. So yeah, I'm meeting her tomorrow at school at 9.30am. I hope I won't end up crying or something. I doubt that though. She sounded really skeptical that I can even get anywhere once I drop out, she's saying that because I have forfeited my first try, therefore, they won't be giving me priority to apply for the courses in all of the polytechnics in Singapore. I told her that I'm aware of that. Rp had replied actually, giving me a list of courses that I have a high chance of success in, but after that they've yet to give me a reply, and I have been waiting for their reply for the past three days. And it's making me really anxious. I can't imagine a year without school. I have been going to school for ALL MY LIFE. Since kindergarten, and I have not MISSED a single year. What am I suppose to do if rp don't accept me? I'm just hoping for the best right now. I really am.
I have never felt so pathetic in my whole life before. This is definitely a slap across my face.
Although I might not show it, but really, I'm dying inside. And there's honestly no one to turn to. I can't really turn to my mum, what am I suppose to say to her? And my best friends? Well, Malathi has her own problems to deal with, I can't even help her with hers, I can't possibly burden her further with mine. Liyana and Kelly aren't really supportive about it, they both told me it's just two more years. Well, I'm sorry. I can't stand attachments. Period.
Well, other than that I have no one else. Really. It looks like I have many friends. But I can't turn to the rest. Oh well, I fell, and I fell hard. But I will get back up. I will pick up the pieces all on my own.
Also, after letting go of everyone I once had. I feel empty. Like there's an empty space somewhere in my heart, or something. It really feels hollow inside. Which is weird. I've ALWAYS had someone. At all times, there's always someone I'm texting, or making me smile, or something. But now, there's none. NONE at all. Even if there is, they're all from my friends. Or the occasional text from guys from the past. Other than that, I'm currently not talking to any guys at all. When I told Liyana, she's skeptical. I know, it's hard to believe. But it looks like I'm really alone this time. I'm alright with that.
And today also I burned my arm while cooking. The hot sauce landed there, and now there's a scar on my arm, not to mention, on my belly too, as the piercing is rejecting, and there's only 3 cm of skin clinging on to the barbell, therefore, I decided to just remove it. One by one, fucked up things are happening. I just wonder what's next, really. And I hope it has nothing to do with my application.
Bless me.
