29 March 2012 // 9:40 PM
♣ Day 9 out of 14.
This whole week has been nothing but reflection reflection reflection. Attachments are really taking a toll on my soul. I've witnessed so many things, and really, it just makes me rethink about everything. Like do I really want to do this, can I continue with this? The shifts, the patients, the amount of energy this course is taking away from me. Is it all worth it? And it's not getting any better, it's gonna get worse as I progress in this course, furthermore, I've checked, during my 3rd year, the whole of my second semester, which is a total of 6 months is dedicated to attachments, and 14 weeks of it is dedicated to prcp. That really makes me wonder if I should just drop out now, instead of dropping out in year 3, like how I dropped D&T during my O'levels year, and how much I wished that I had changed to F&N instead of continuing. And I'm thinking maybe I should do the same right now. I've always wanted to change to a different course in NP, but somehow, I think there's really no hope for me already. Therefore, the next best thing is RP. I've already sent them an e-mail, thankfully they replied asking me to send in my O'levels results slip and NRIC. Now I'm awaiting for their reply. But honestly, I'm far from being relax. With this attachment and its problems, and responsibilities that I have to handle, the skills I need to do, the patients and my case study, also my application to RP, their response, my plans, and withdrawing from NP. It's really all taking it's toll on me, and I have no one to turn to, really NO ONE at all. Ultimately, the decision lies on my shoulders. Most will advice me to stay on and complete it. Others will tell me that whatever it is, they will support my decision. But they don't know what I'm feeling inside. I'm sure I'm not the only one facing this problem, but doesn't mean others are coping with it, I should too,although I must admit that I'm doing a pretty good job at it. And I hate it when people think I wanna quit because I'm weak. Oh fuck you. Try being in my shoes, just fucking TRY, and you will know. I'm not weak you asshole, this is just not what I signed up for. Period. I know the cons, I will be wasting a year. I've thought about that, and also the school fees part. But I just can't see myself being in this course till I'm in year 3.
So please RP, accept me. I can't do this any longer. I have absolutely no interest in this. I should have listened to my mum from the very beginning. I'm regretting this every single day of my life. I really am. I fucking hate it when she's right every time I try to prove her wrong.
I'm really standing at a cross-road. I don't know which direction I should go. I'm lost. And I hate that I am aimless. If I withdraw from this, in a way I'm letting everyone down. I'm torn between the happiness of others, and my own. They are all so confident that I'm gonna progress to 2nd year, after all, I passed with a decent gpa, and everything seems well. I'm sure no one would've seen this coming unless I tell them in the face, that I'm planning on leaving. Anyway, moving on from that. I suppose my decision is final this time round, there's no turning back, just hoping that RP will accept me, and that I can finally be happy and live my life again. Hopefully, I can withdraw before the start of year 2 which is on the 16th April. At least 100% of my school fees can be refunded. If I withdraw during the first week of school, only 75% will be refunded. But after that NONE will be refunded. So please god, I'm begging you for mercy, help me out. Especially when money is concerned, I really cannot trouble my parents any more.
I'm mainly worried about not getting a place, and the fees. The withdrawing part is insanely easy. I just have to send in the withdrawal letter, and return my student card. I won't even be receiving a confirmation later -.- Basically, once it's in, that's it. My one year of tears, hard work, efforts, all down the drain like that. Oh well, I can start over. I just want out of that course. I'm already eyeing a few courses in RP, but I'm unsure of which one I should apply for. I will have to look into that in details.
For now, let's just wait for their response, and god, I'm so freaking nervous.
Okay, so moving on to a happier note, I got a job! Like fuck yeah. It wasn't easy. So last Saturday, Tommy Hilfiger outlet at The Shoppes @ Marina Bay Sands called me, and asked if I'm still interested. Like duh! To cut a long story short, I'm starting work this coming Sunday. From 12pm-8pm! :D I pray hard that it will all turn out well. And that I will have a stable income for this year,and the years to come of course. On the downside, I'm not gonna be working with Malathi, she's working at Tampines Pizza Hut's Outlet ): First time ever, I'm working alone. Sigh. I'm hoping that I will make new friends, and they're all nice people. *fingers crossed*
I'm gonna have to juggle school and work at the same time, if I get a place at RP, I think it will make things easier, as school ends at a fixed timing, furthermore, without any attachments during the holidays, it will make things easier for me, at least I can work and still have a life.
Please let this work out. Please. Since I'm graduating at the age of 21, instead of 20, I will not have a one year off already, I will immediately apply for a SIA, furthermore, since I'm already starting work in retail, there's no need for me to spend another year after poly working in retail as a full timer. See, it's not that bad isn't it?
