12 March 2012 // 5:27 PM
♣ Life issues: Changing of course & finance
For the past one year of my life, I have been contemplating if I should change my course. I was so desperate to get out, anything goes, I don't even mind engineering or anything. I've even considered dropping out of polytechnic to just enter ITE. Yet, I just kept on going anyway, had no idea why, I guess I was so unsure of what to do.
But then again, when I sit down and think, I was given the opportunity to enter poly, why should I take the longer route when I have the short cut? But then, I argued with myself, if I change course, I might be taking the longer route, I might be starting all over again, but at least I WILL BE HAPPY.I will have fun. And best of all, it will not be a burden to me. That's what I think, but what if it don't work out my way? And I ended up hating it and being even MORE unhappy.
Then I think at that point of time, I will just die.
The exam results are coming soon, this Friday in fact, at that point of time, I really need to make up my mind, to transfer or not to transfer. Before that, I've made up my mind to transfer to landscape design & horticulture, but I've been through so much in my course. I've come this far, and how can I just throw away everything that I've learned for the past year just like that. All the hard work.
As a last resort, I went to my school website to check out the modules for year 2, and it is so much lesser than the modules in year 1. And I'm just thinking if I should just stay, after all, I'm sure that most of us don't really want to be in the course if we had a choice, but we're just not quitting for the sake of a diploma. Plus, I'm tired of doing things halfway. I should just continue with this shit, and get it over and done with. Instead of wasting my life. Just 2 more years, JUST TWO MORE YEARS. As much as I hate it, I have no choice, I hate the idea of thinking that I don't have a choice,as a matter of fact, I actually do. But given the situation, I'm more at the losing end.
Oh well, once I'm done with my education, I will be 20 years old (Wow. The BIG TWO-ZERO), and I think for that year, I'm just gonna apply for a temporary job in retail, for a year, before applying for SIA when I'm 21.
I really need to be perfect in all aspects before I can apply for that. And to be perfect, I need money. Seems like a plan. Well, for now. Who knows I might change. But for the past 4 years, my dream of working with SIA haven't change. Let's see what will happen in the next 4.
Also, I feel like being 18, I need to be more responsible with my life. It's no longer all fun and games. Yeah, it can be fun, but at the same time, I need to start planning, I need to start thinking about the future. There's so many things that I wanna do, so many things to accomplish, so many things I want, yet, I'm getting none of it done. I'm just trapped. Trapped in their shadow. I can't do anything without their approval, I am nothing without them, I have no income, and I hate that idea. I wanna work for it. Have a freaking income and do what I want with it. It sucks not having money really. Whoever says money can't buy happiness. I think you must be high. Money does buy you happiness, it pays your bills, it gives you shelter,clothes, food, and if you're sick, and you have loads of money, it will provide you proper healthcare, and for the love of god, it will feed your family, thus your mum will stop nagging day and night at you about mindless spendings, and how difficult life is without money. Oh wait, that's my life.
Yes, I know it don't buy you love, and health, like if you're really sick, despite the amount you spent, you will still die anyway. I KNOW THAT. But money helps the situation. Haven't you seen the people living in poverty, do you have any idea, how money might just help them? Bottom line money is essential for survival. Therefore, I think I wanna start working part time, yeah despite the fact that I have attachments and school, but who the fuck cares. It's all about the time management.
