Most of you are sheltered and you guys don't even realize how fortunate you are, especially you; mom, ever since you were younger what exactly do you have to worry about? There's always someone to protect you, your parents, your brothers, your aunts and uncles to provide for you. You don't have to step out into the real world like how I did when I was 16. Ever since I finished my o'levels I felt nothing but insecurities. You basically just threw me out there, and expect me to live with whatever I had. You kept telling me that whatever you give me was enough, not thinking that this is the 2000s and no longer the 1950s.
2014 is undeniably the toughest year (financial wise). I had to juggle school, work and also my expenses with a meager 10 bucks a day which sometimes you don't even give me, yet you expect me to constantly have money for myself, and even better, to give you some of it, as though I am not already struggling financially. Please don't say that I am a spendthrift or I am wasting YOUR money. MOST of the things that I own are due to my hard work and also budgeting. Also, not to mention my very generous uncle (who's like a father figure to me).
I am constantly broke because things are expensive, and I cannot survive on your 10 bucks a day, and the fact that having a job helps me to pay for the things which YOU should have been providing for me, YOU have no rights to preach to me about savings.Furthermore, I had to resort to signing up for a credit card, so that I can snowball my debts. Otherwise, I would have been extra broke (and depressed). Therefore, when I am broke, you of all people have no rights to comment about my financial situation because YOU do nothing but rely on others your whole life. And I didn't ask you for anything extra, I am just asking you for what you should have given me, and the fact that you complain about that, makes me respect you even lesser, because both of you as my parents, are bloody irresponsible, you took my education and everything else lightly. If it weren't for mendaki, I wouldn't even be taking my diploma right now, and the fact that you told me to work and get a loan on my own to further my studies just makes my resentment for you guys grow. The fact that you're not even doing anything to help my situation and yet you can still go around criticizing me, makes me so mad, that I want to slap some sense into you.
Also the fact that you expect me to get a job after my diploma utterly disgusts me because you guys don't even care that your daughter will be competing with all these degree holders in the future, and how do you expect me to survive on that? And progress faster in the future. The fact that you expect me to get a husband that's rich enough to support me? Hello?Won't I want to support myself? Isn't it utterly disgusting to ask a man to be my benefactor. Giving me allowances as though I am still a child. What mom? You think I am like you, being sheltered my whole fucking existence. And you preaching to me about you feeling insecure now ( is fucking invalid) that's because you never did anything for yourself, and that makes me so mad. The fact that I am planning ahead and you told me to shut up, and just finish school is another typical malay aunty mindset, you guys are fucking short sighted, how can one not think of the future? How can one just survive on not having plans. YOU DO NOT JUST GO WITH THE FUCKING FLOW UNLESS YOU ARE FILTHY RICH,and in my case I am not. Please do not tell me that all this are just worldly matters and that the afterlife is important too, because right now how the fuck are expecting me to survive IN THIS WORLD, it's not like I can choose to be dead before god decides to take way my life (as taking away my own life would be a sin as well, and I shall burn in hell for doing so).
You are blind to my pain, mother. You told me that I am selfish, but you are selfish. I have not taken anything more than what is required, and yet I am still a burden/problem to you. You told me not to be a pessimist , yet you are the one planting all the negativity in my head. You told me to be happy with what I have, when you are clearly not happy with what you have. Mother, don't you think that you are being very contradicting? You told me that I hurt your feelings, but don't you know that you're hurting mine?
Don't tell me that I can always rely on you because I can't. And I have no one else to rely on in this family (technically, I only have 3 people that I considered as my close ones and that's you, baba and ami lek), as everyone else have their own problems to deal with.
Please, sit back down and reflect on what you have done, because there is only so much that I can say to you.

it's been almost 2 years since i even came to this space. it's amazing seeing how different i was back then, it's bittersweet to be honest. i felt a jolt of pain reading about the past, as it made me realized that i've really let myself down, there were so many things that were left unaccomplished, so many broken hopes and dreams. honestly, at that point of time, i feel like i was a much more positive person as compared to who i am now. the fact that i am turning 20 in exactly 10 days, scares me even more because as the years passed by, it's slowly getting to me that i am no longer a kid anymore, more and more responsibilities will slowly pile up on my shoulders.
2013 was one hell of a year, i broke up with my ex (whom i got together with towards the end of 2012), and things went downhill from there, i had the most fights with my mom that year, i found out about my other ex's evil doings towards me. My 19th birthday was one hell of a drama as well, where my ex actually came to surprise me with a cake and tickets to USS at 12 midnight, however someone else was already there way ahead of him, ever since that moment things went from bad to worse in a matter of weeks. Also, I failed 2 of my accounting modules, my attendance in school was bad (still is actually). I cried a lot. I tried a lot of things for the first time. The beginning part of 2013 up till the mid was a pretty bad time. Things started to slowly look up towards the end as I mend my relationship with my best friend (we're together now), I started going for my driving practicals. I got recruited to work at A&F. Last but not least, I spent my new year's with my love. My journey with him wasn't all smooth sailing, we had a lot of ups and downs (more downs at that point of time). He was there when I was all crazy over S, partly he was the reason as to why S left, and that too I found out 8 months later after a random conversation with S's best friend, L. I was mad at H in the beginning, but I felt that there really isn't a point of staying mad, because if S really did like me as much as he claimed to, he would've stayed regardless of the circumstances, he would have at least tried to fight for me instead of walking away. I've met a lot of boys in 2013, who walked in and out of my life. Some really did affect me, however after a couple of shots, nicotine and tears, I picked myself up all over again, and started thinking to myself, throughout every single stupid mistake that I have done, there's still that one guy that stood by me, why am I throwing away a diamond for a rock. Finally, after 1.5 years I decided to give that love a chance, now it's been almost 5 months since we got together, and I must say that this is the best relationship I ever had. Never felt this comfortable with someone. Although, I am still insecure, but it didn't make me feel overly anxious. The fact that he trusts me completely, and gives me all the freedom in the world is a bonus. I couldn't have asked for anything better.
Many more things happened in 2013 but I guess some things are better left unsaid, or at least kept till when the time is right. All I hope for in 2014, is for me to grow and be a better person, I refuse to let negativity get to me. I hope that I would be able to stick through with this.
9 more days till my TP, I hope that I would be able to pass and get my license asap. I am more than ready for this.



The new school term has officially begun, and before we know it, the year is coming to an end already. This is really a crucial time for me, because I never made it to year 2 this year, due to the fact that I changed schools. I honestly, can't wait to rightfully, proceed on to year 2 in April, next year.

I am utterly disgusted with myself. I realised that I have been such a whiner, and that I did nothing else, but eat and then complain about how pathetic my life is.
I had enough of this, I want to get up, and move on from all this bullshit, I am still young anyway. I'm freaking 18. Why do I care if I can't find love and end up alone. It's really disgusting, I should cut myself some slack and enjoy life. If it comes, it comes, if it doesn't, then it is not meant to be. After all, I still have friends, I still have my family, and that's all that ever matters anyway.
Guys come and go. But your best friends and family, will stay throughout.
Also, I have had enough of eating too much unhealthy food, and then complain about how fat I am, as of today, I shall watch my diet, and start exercizing again. Today I've managed to do a mixture of jogging/sprinting/brisk walking for 4.4km, and I must say that my stamina is utter shit right now, I really need to start all over again, and slowly build up. I guess, I have forgotten the pain I went though just to lose weight last time. Today was a definite wake up call for me. This shall be my lifestyle now. Health and fitness for the win.
I'm gonna work on my life, look good, feel good, get a good career and be happy. Boys are honestly gonna be at the bottom of my agenda. I'm done waiting, being treated like an option, and only talked to when you want a companion or when you are free. No, that's not the way you should treat me. I am not there for your entertainment. I have been nothing but understanding to you. And I realised that this is a dead end for us. I wished nothing but the best for you. I know you're a very ambitious guy, and I am prolly at the bottom of your list of priorities, or maybe I am not even in it, but that's okay. We both shall move on. I don't want to hold you back. Have a nice life.

I can't believe that fasting month is almost coming to an end. It's the 12th today, and on the 19th is hari raya. To be honest, I am not looking forward to it. I have always been dreading that day. I guess I must be the only one. Have not met anyone who dreads hari raya as much as I do.
If only there's someone who wants to spend their hari raya with me. I will love that person to bits, but sadly, everyone's too busy with their own family. Me on the other hand feel like I don't have a family. I honestly live for only 3 people. If they aren't there, I don't see a point in living, honestly. Maybe I will, someday. Everyone says family is everything. I know that. I guess, I'm just one of those people who's family are not close. Bonding prolly don't exist in our dictionary.
It also annoys me that my mum constantly want to keep arguing with me. Like she only sees all the flaws. Can't she just chill out? Why isn't she focusing on the better things? Why is it always about religion. She needs to give it a rest.
As for my dad, I honestly don't know what to say. What is there to say, really. And as for my uncle, he works so hard, I feel bad that he's even supporting me.
I truly feel like I have no one to rely on. Friends come and go. Guys come and go.
And I don't want to trouble my family. Enough problems for them to deal with already.

I somehow still can't believe that it's July already. Time is really passing by like crazy. And before you know it, it's gonna be December again. I really can't wait for April next year, I am so ready to start year 2. I can never be at ease knowing that I haven't progressed when I'm supposed to.

Anyway, they say expect the unexpected, and it really surprises me is when my ex came back to my life after not talking for close to a year. With zero contact at all, we deleted each other from facebook, he even blocked me, and I deleted his number off my phone, and all his messages. And I just treated it as though nothing ever happened. But oddly enough he came back telling me that he will marry me after his studies. Isn't it weird? Why out of the blue. Oh well, will just go with the flow I guess.

Also, I've learned to take it easy with S. I realised that I'm actually okay not texting him on a daily basis. I don't doubt him. I just don't think about the negative. Really. That's the only way to keep me sane. I also don't think about what's next. Just gonna live with the present. Enjoy it, and hope that it lasts.

unfold the chapters March 2005 April 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 November 2006 April 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 January 2012 February 2012 March 2012 April 2012 May 2012 June 2012 July 2012 August 2012 October 2012 January 2014 July 2014 September 2014